Originally posted on my Tumblr.
I don't understand how someone who is feeling pain wants to cause themselves more pain by cutting their wrists, it cant be that they want to die because if so you would go "down the street" and "not across the road".
The thing is I have depression too, it will be with me for life and it's something that defines who I am. I try my best to hide it from others as I don't want people to worry about me nor do I want them to have a ruined day because of my selfish thoughts and maybe thats why folks are cutting themselves…I dunno - maybe you can tell me?
Let me tell you why I am depressed and maybe, just maybe you will realise your life ain't that bad after all.
I was never brought up in a stable environment, I lived with my dad,mum and then my grandad..well step-grandad but we don't even acknowledge the "step" title in our family because its family. I never felt that I was worth the ground I walked on and the love that I got from people….I didn't become what I wanted to be after school, the bullies took care of that. I literally wanted to kill myself and so I had overdosed myself with over the counter tablets such as Paracetamol,Aspirin,Co-codamol,Ibuprofen and taking huge doses that would normally kill someone but for me that never happened.
That didn't make me think "maybe I have a purpose on this fucked up planet after-all" it just made me think that it's yet another thing I fail at.
Then in 2001 things went out of control for me. I lost a good friend on September 11th, then I lost a daughter that hardly anyone knows about for certain reasons and finally just before the end of the year my mum was murdered. The last words I ever said/well shouted at her, was "you drunken psychotic bitch" that would've been around the middle of November, by the 30th she was dead. Strangled by her boyfriend and he was never caught, instead he hung himself. It was my 12 year old sister who found her lifeless body laid in bed. I remember the phone call I received from my younger brother who was about 17 at the time and those words "it's mum, she's….dead, Andy's killed her". After almost destroying my 1 bedroom flat I got got on my push-bike and peddled to her house which was about 5/10 minutes away, got hit by a car, got back on the bike and continued on. Got to her house dropped the bike and ran towards the front door and was stopped by the police who told me that I couldn't go any further as that could "interfere with evidence".
My mum left behind me, my younger brother, and my 3 sisters and I still blame myself for this happening a case of "what if" at it's best. What if I didn't say them words to her, would things be different, would she still be alive?
The fact that I never phoned her and said sorry for those hurtful words will haunt me for ever, and that's why since then I have took numerous overdoses. I have even become the father to 2 more children and their mother refuses to let me see them, I don't even know where they live, what school they go to or anything because after we split up she fucked off. I know the City and area but thats all, nothing else.
In 2011 I met up with the most loving and gorgeous person in the world EVER…#fact Since then I have been much happier. I have thought about suicide seriously once over the time I have known her…the last time was just over Christmas and New Year but that was because I love my kids and it's extremely painful not seeing them. I am now on Citalopram which is helping me a little and today is set to be a hard day for me as it's 2 years since I last saw the both of them and heard my eldest son's voice. I will however soldier on and make sure that I don't feel to down in the dumps because I know I can be better than that!
What I am trying to say is put down them pills/tablets/shiny knife we all have our bad days or bad years or think that life is just shit…no one has ever said life will be easy so why expect it to be?
Whether you are rich or poor, depression will make an impact on your life at some point because we are all human and we need to over come it because as the old saying goes:
"GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT"
…and it does. It really does.
I will end in saying that if you feel there is no one to talk to then you can send me a message.